


you take what you need (and you don't need me)

by orphan_account



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, beth is dead, it's not a happy fic folks, soccer cop - Freeform, soccer punk, soccercop - Freeform, soccerpunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 16:22:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1905705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarah is wildfire, all sparks and teeth and nails on back. She kisses angry, and Alison wishes she had the strength to return her rage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you take what you need (and you don't need me)

**Author's Note:**

> cowritten on tumblr with puppyniehaus.

The first time it happens Sarah leaves at 3 am. Sarah leaves at 3 am, still smelling like Alison’s wine and smoke and sex and Be-

 

No. Sarah is not Beth. 

 

Alison tells herself this as she rolls over and tries to fall back asleep. She is still telling herself this in the morning, bags under her eyes, bangs swept back, tension in her shoulders like a loaded gun. She wonders, sometimes, if it’s herself or Sarah that’s going to fire this gun.

(She is not Beth either, she tells herself. She forgets this sometimes, and then drinks to forget why this is bad.)

The second time Alison is ready, ready for the way that Sarah is so much more awake than she and Beth ever were, so much more alive, so much angrier. Alison is sluggish water, drowning upon itself; Sarah is wildfire, all sparks and teeth and nails on back. She kisses angry, and Alison wishes she had the strength return her rage. 

(Sometimes Alison cannot tell who she is talking to, when she has been drinking. She always imagines it is Sarah because it is almost certain that she’s wrong.)

The third time, Sarah stays. Alison does not know if this is better or worse. She knows that Beth always stayed, head curled into Alison’s neck, arms wrapped around her like Alison was a lifeboat instead of an anchor. Sarah twitches in her sleep, shudders in impulses that Alison is too tired to receive. Sarah, she thinks, her mind slurring slightly (Sarah had brought vodka and it had worked), is on an entirely different wavelength than the rest of them.

She sleeps and wakes up to Sarah pressed in close, hand splayed across her stomach. She is too warm, but Alison enjoys the way the discomfort snaps her away from thought of Beth.

The sixth time, Alison wakes up to an empty bed and a very, very loud silence. Alison can still feel Sarah’s breath on her throat, taste the alcohol on Sarah’s lips. Somehow, knowing Sarah might leave makes the nights a little better, until she remembers.

After the seventh time, Sarah leaves. Sarah leaves with Kira’s father, his beard and his flannel and the way he is not one of them, leaves to find joy in the removal and leaves with most of Alison’s heart. (The other part jumped into a train a year ago. Alison thinks sometimes she should follow.)

Alison has failed to remember that as bright as fires burn, when they leave, nothing’s left but ashes. Alison’s eyes still burn as her bones grow brittle.

Sarah is a wildfire. Alison is a hollow, empty shell.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll give you one more chance  
> To say we can change our old ways  
> And you take what you need  
> And you know you don't need me  
> -  
> "Recover," CHVRCHES


End file.
